~ I drown my fears ~

drown

I drown my fears

I hold them under, thrashing  –
They are less frightening now,
Mewling like kittens
Those adorable, helpless things
Murderers of mice.

I drown my fears

In darkness, in whiskey waters
One hand clawed around their throats until
Gasping, they learn to be frightened of me
And like all hurting, frightened creatures
They learn how to snarl.

I drown my fears

My fears bob back up like swollen corpses,
Witches, undead, grotesque,
These restless dreads know only drowning now
And terror –  groping for light, for air,
For kindness.

Perhaps, I should have taken them home to the warmth instead.

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Top 10 Favourite Books Read in 2017

So, I read a lot of books. My 2017 goal was 50 books and I (luck willing, December 31st still) will hit 66 by 2018. I say this mostly so that when I say my top ten books read in 2017, I don’t mean out of 12. 

These books were much loved, fondly remembered now, and I hope you enjoy them too in the future if I manage to convince you to give them a go!

Now, without further ado, onto the countdown of books that you came for…


10) Fugitive Pieces, by Anne Michaels

In 1940 a boy bursts from the mud of a war-torn Polish city, where he has buried himself to hide from the soldiers who murdered his family. His name is Jakob Beer. He is only seven years old. And although by all rights he should have shared the fate of the other Jews in his village, he has not only survived but been rescued by a Greek geologist, who does not recognize the boy as human until he begins to cry. With this electrifying image, Anne Michaels ushers us into her rapturously acclaimed novel of loss, memory, history, and redemption.

This book is a hard book to describe, but a beautiful one to read. It is one of the more ‘literary’ ones on my list, if it can be called that either, but that doesn’t stop it from being a page turner. It’s a thought provoking read that is not as grim as it sounds.

I recommend it mostly for it’s writing. The writing is astonishing.

This is my favourite quote: “Like other ghosts, she whispers; not for me to join her, but so that, when I’m close enough, she can push me back into the world.” 

I don’t know, I just love it, maybe because so often haunting and ghosts are described differently, with a cruelty that’s not necessarily true. Anyway.


9) Luckiest Girl Alive, by Jessica Knoll

HER PERFECT LIFE IS A PERFECT LIE.

As a teenager at the prestigious Bradley School, Ani FaNelli endured a shocking, public humiliation that left her desperate to reinvent herself. Now, with a glamorous job, expensive wardrobe, and handsome blue blood fiancé, she’s this close to living the perfect life she’s worked so hard to achieve.

But Ani has a secret.

There’s something else buried in her past that still haunts her, something private and painful that threatens to bubble to the surface and destroy everything.

With a singular voice and twists you won’t see coming, Luckiest Girl Alive explores the unbearable pressure that so many women feel to “have it all” and introduces a heroine whose sharp edges and cutthroat ambition have been protecting a scandalous truth, and a heart that’s bigger than it first appears.

The question remains: will breaking her silence destroy all that she has worked for—or, will it at long last, set Ani free?

I love me a good thriller, and this was a great one! I was hungry to find out what happened, and it wasn’t what I expected which made it even better as I’ve read enough books that I can normally guess what’s coming. Woes of a literature degree.

The protagonist was interesting and I rooted for all of the way through.  I don’t want to say more because, spoilers. The writing style also had a lot of fantastic nuggets that really made me think, and which picked the story out from the masses of dark past and secret stories.


8) The Grown Up, by Gillian Flynn

A canny young woman is struggling to survive by perpetrating various levels of mostly harmless fraud. On a rainy April morning, she is reading auras at Spiritual Palms when Susan Burke walks in. A keen observer of human behavior, our unnamed narrator immediately diagnoses beautiful, rich Susan as an unhappy woman eager to give her lovely life a drama injection. However, when the “psychic” visits the eerie Victorian home that has been the source of Susan’s terror and grief, she realizes she may not have to pretend to believe in ghosts anymore. Miles, Susan’s teenage stepson, doesn’t help matters with his disturbing manner and grisly imagination. The three are soon locked in a chilling battle to discover where the evil truly lurks and what, if anything, can be done to escape it.

I love Gillian Flynn, so it is a testament to how many fantastic books I have read this year that this is only 7 on the list. But it still also in my top ten out of over 50 books, so, you know, endorsement.

Flynn’s villains are, as always, fresh and on point for being frightening. They are never who you expect. This is a quick, chilling read and I absolutely loved it. Honestly, my only complaint was that it was a short story when I would have happily read a 400 page novel of what happened next!


7) Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of The Universe, by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Dante can swim. Ari can’t. Dante is articulate and self-assured. Ari has a hard time with words and suffers from self-doubt. Dante gets lost in poetry and art. Ari gets lost in thoughts of his older brother who is in prison. Dante is fair skinned. Ari’s features are much darker. It seems that a boy like Dante, with his open and unique perspective on life, would be the last person to break down the walls that Ari has built around himself.

But against all odds, when Ari and Dante meet, they develop a special bond that will teach them the most important truths of their lives, and help define the people they want to be. But there are big hurdles in their way, and only by believing in each other―and the power of their friendship―can Ari and Dante emerge stronger on the other side.

I don’t read much YA fiction these days, or that many romances when they’re not part of a larger fantasy plot. I loved this one. I couldn’t put it down.

The dialogue is witty and warm, and the characters feel true and interesting. You know, you read so many romance books where you feel like the characters get together because it’s a romance book without actually having that much chemistry? Not the case here. I was rooting for them from the start.

Also, I am horrendously biased, but give me all the LGBT love. You may find a fair amount in this 2017 list.


6) The Lover’s Dictionary, by David Levithan

How does one talk about love? Do we even have the right words to describe something that can be both utterly mundane and completely transcendent, pulling us out of our everyday lives and making us feel a part of something greater than ourselves?

Taking a unique approach to this problem, the nameless narrator of David Levithan’s The Lover’s Dictionary has constructed the story of his relationship as a dictionary. Through these short entries, he provides an intimate window into the great events and quotidian trifles of being within a couple, giving us an indelible and deeply moving portrait of love in our time.

I have never read a book like this one. It was a delightful read in terms of its inventive structure, as indicated above, which also means that its language is well chosen. Despite the shortness of the snippets it really captures the relationship at the heart of the novel.

Romance fans – give this a read for something new.


5) Kissing The Witch: Old Tales in New Skins, by Emma Donaghue

Thirteen interconnected tales are unspun from the deeply familiar, and woven anew into a collection of fairy tales that wind back through time. Acclaimed Irish author Emma Donoghue reveals heroines young and old in unexpected alliances–sometimes treacherous, sometimes erotic, but always courageous.

Told with luminous voices that shimmer with sensuality and truth, these age-old characters shed their antiquated cloaks to travel a seductive new landscape, radiantly transformed.

Cinderella forsakes the handsome prince and runs off with the fairy godmother; Beauty discovers the Beast behind the mask is not so very different from the face she sees in the mirror; Snow White is awakened from slumber by the bittersweet fruit of an unnamed desire.

So, anyone who knows me knows I have a thing about fairytales. I have read a lot of fairytale inspired stories these year, from Angela Carter to Kirsty Logan who you can find further down this list.

This one was wonderful. The writing style was clever, with each story leading into the story of the woman who came before her. It is is written in an oral style, like a story whispered to you before the fireplace, without losing a beauty in the language Donaghue chooses.

Fairy tale retellings can often be predictable. This one wasn’t. It’s a quick read for a breath of fresh air.


4) The Invisible Circus, by Jennifer Egan

In Jennifer Egan’s highly acclaimed first novel, set in 1978, the political drama and familial tensions of the 1960s form a backdrop for the world of Phoebe O’Connor, age eighteen. Phoebe is obsessed with the memory and death of her sister Faith, a beautiful idealistic hippie who died in Italy in 1970. In order to find out the truth about Faith’s life and death, Phoebe retraces her steps from San Francisco across Europe, a quest which yields both complex and disturbing revelations about family, love, and Faith’s lost generation.

This is at heart a coming of age story, with a more universal appeal. I was never part of the hippy age, it is long before my young time, but Phoebe’s emotions still seemed often to capture my own with the fear of having missed out on something crucial.

I have read a lot of Egan’s work, but this has been my favourite by far. It is a perfect read for anyone hesitating on the next steps of their life, and a perfect book for the New Year.


3) If We Were Villains, by M.L Rio

Enter the players. There were seven of us then, seven bright young things with wide precious futures ahead of us. Until that year, we saw no further than the books in front of our faces.

On the day Oliver Marks is released from jail, the man who put him there is waiting at the door. Detective Colborne wants to know the truth, and after ten years, Oliver is finally ready to tell it.

Ten years ago: Oliver is one of seven young Shakespearean actors at Dellecher Classical Conservatory, a place of keen ambition and fierce competition. In this secluded world of firelight and leather-bound books, Oliver and his friends play the same roles onstage and off: hero, villain, tyrant, temptress, ingénue, extra. But in their fourth and final year, the balance of power begins to shift, good-natured rivalries turn ugly, and on opening night real violence invades the students’ world of make believe. In the morning, the fourth-years find themselves facing their very own tragedy, and their greatest acting challenge yet: convincing the police, each other, and themselves that they are innocent.

This was a really enjoyable thriller with a smart edge – I was hooked. If you have read and enjoyed The Secret History, by Donna Tart, you’re going to love this one. It has something of the same feeling, while remaining unique to its own story. All of the characters are interesting, and I loved seeing the cross-over between how we view ourselves and how this can translate in the roles we play both on stage and off.


2) A Portable Shelter, by Kirsty Logan

In their tiny, sea-beaten cottage on the north coast of Scotland, Liska and Ruth await the birth of their first child.

Each passes the time by telling the baby stories, trying to pass on the lessons they’ve learned: tales of circuses and stargazing, selkie fishermen and domestic werewolves, child-eating witches and broken-toothed dragons.

But they must keep their storytelling a secret from one another, as they’ve agreed to only ever tell the plain truth. So to cloak their tales, Ruth tells her stories when Liska is at work, to a background of shrieking seabirds; Liska tells hers when Ruth is asleep, with the lighthouse sweeping its steady beam through the window.

This was the first Kirsty Logan book I read, after listening to her talk at a WriteNow event in Newcastle. I promptly had to read everything else by her.

It’s a collection of dark fairytales-magical realism, which I have since found to be a recurring thread through Logan’s work. This is fantastic for me, because that’s exactly the type of story that I adore. However, at no point does it feel like a dull fairytale retelling where you can guess what happens. Her writing is beautiful and though she borrows a certain “fairy tale” feeling or magical character, the stories are uniquely her own. And, though I speak of darkness, like all good fairytales A Portable Shelter is at heart hopeful and loving as two women wait for their child to be born.

(I also recommend her other works)


1) The Shades of Magic Series, by V.E Schwab. 

Includes: A Darker Shade of Magic, A Gathering of Shadows, and A Conjuring of Light

A Darker Shade of Magic:

Kell is one of the last Antari—magicians with a rare, coveted ability to travel between parallel Londons; Red, Grey, White, and, once upon a time, Black.

Kell was raised in Arnes—Red London—and officially serves the Maresh Empire as an ambassador, traveling between the frequent bloody regime changes in White London and the court of George III in the dullest of Londons, the one without any magic left to see.

Unofficially, Kell is a smuggler, servicing people willing to pay for even the smallest glimpses of a world they’ll never see. It’s a defiant hobby with dangerous consequences, which Kell is now seeing firsthand.

After an exchange goes awry, Kell escapes to Grey London and runs into Delilah Bard, a cut-purse with lofty aspirations. She first robs him, then saves him from a deadly enemy, and finally forces Kell to spirit her to another world for a proper adventure.

Now perilous magic is afoot, and treachery lurks at every turn. To save all of the worlds, they’ll first need to stay alive.

I absolutely adored this series. It’s a fantasy for adults, with great characters and compelling villains that were genuinely riveting on the page. It utterly hit the spot for everything I wanted. I was invested in everyone, and there was a bit of something for every reader from romance to adventure, and to top it off the world building was wonderfully immersive without being bogged in detail.

Who is my favourite character? For once, I honestly can’t pick. I normally have a clear winner.

This is a recommendation for any fantasy fan out there.


So yeah, that’s it folks. My personal take from 2017. I’m looking forward to 2018!

If you find you like my kind of book, you can also follow me on goodreads.

2018 books

Blood Diamonds

The heiress placed the jeweled necklace around the thief’s neck, the carat gold rings clunky on her fingers, the sapphire bracelet snapped around the thief’s slender wrist until she was all but weighed down with jewelry.

The thief swallowed hard, eyeing the poolside. The water was turquoise in the soft light, the air warm. And deep. The water was deep and the thief’s body heavy now with expense. Enough riches to drown in. Enough riches to weigh a thief down like the stones tied to a witch.

“Please-” she tried. “You don’t understand.”

The heiress flashed a ruby smile, a diamond-hard expression. “Oh, sweetheart. I understand. And you almost had me too.”

Her hand smoothed along the thief’s jaw, brushing her long hair back to hook thick emerald earrings so large and ostentatious that they made her head droop.

The tainted champagne glinted gold under the soft light.

The heiress leaned in. “I understand,” she said again, brushing their lips together. “This is what you really wanted from me, isn’t it? All this time? Steal my heart, and steal my fortune.”

“No- that’s not-” Well, it was, but then-

“Don’t worry,” the heiress murmured. “You’re going to die rich.”

The Definitions of Possession

I commit a haunting in my skin,
A possession – but I do not possess myself in your eyes,
Only in the ways that ghosts do, clinging,
Violent, restless, in the places that used to be theirs…

Sometime, somehow, my body became a stranger,
And yet still I linger, howling like the best ghosts do,
Too big for my heart, too small for my woman,
I walk through walls now and try to convince myself I belong there.

Except, to you, we were never ours,
Possessed – witch, demon, to steal myself back into my arms
When I should have been a prize
Each day I die, each day I rise again
I cannot be exorcised.

You will not get rid of me.

when love is described like burning

burning

When I kiss you I taste smoke between my lips but do not think of burning. The crackle of flames has always been a homely thing – you invite me to warm my fingertips by your hearth.

When you make matchsticks out of my nerve endings I do not think of arson. I think of laughing, tracing sparklers bright and fizzing in the Autumn air. You write your name along my hip bones and the letters don’t fade so easily.

And when I burn for you, I do not think of water.
I think this is just like the movies.

October Creeps and Thrills Reading List

I love reading. I think reading novels, consuming stories, is one of the best ways to gain inspiration for writing and, honestly, a lot of fun. So I thought I’d put together an October list of 7 ‘Creeps and Thrills’ reading list of some of my personal favourites in honour of Halloween. Enjoy!


  1. Sharp Objects, by Gillian Flynn

    Fresh from a brief stay at a psych hospital, reporter Camille Preaker faces a troubling assignment: she must return to her tiny hometown to cover the murders of two preteen girls. For years, Camille has hardly spoken to her neurotic, hypochondriac mother or to the half-sister she barely knows, a beautiful thirteen-year-old with an eerie grip on the town. Now, installed in her old bedroom in her family’s Victorian mansion, Camille finds herself identifying with the young victims—a bit too strongly. Dogged by her own demons, she must unravel the psychological puzzle of her own past if she wants to get the story—and survive this homecoming.

    I am a huge Gillian Flynn fan – she’s one of my favourite authors and I recommend everything. As a lover of brilliant villains, and of interesting female characters, so far she has yet to disappoint me. And Sharp Objects has one of the most intriguing and creepy villains I have seen in a long time!


  2. Confessions of a Sociopath, by M.E Thomas

    The first memoir of its kind, Confessions of a Sociopath is an engrossing, highly captivating narrative of the author’s life as a diagnosed sociopath.She is a charismatic charmer, an ambitious self-promoter, and a cunning and calculating liar. She can induce you to invest in her financial schemes, vote for her causes, and even join her in bed. Like a real-life Lisbeth Salander, she has her own system of ethics, and like Dexter, she thrives on bending and occasionally breaking the rules. She is a diagnosed, high-functioning, noncriminal sociopath, and this is her world from her point of view.Drawn from the author’s own experiences; her popular blog, Sociopathworld.com; and scientific literature, Confessions of a Sociopath is part confessional memoir, part primer for the curious. Written from the point of view of a diagnosed sociopath, it unveils for the very first time these people who are hiding in plain sight. The book confirms suspicions and debunks myths about sociopathy, providing a road map for dealing with the sociopath in your life.

    So, not a fiction book for once, but it’s one of the most interesting books I’ve read in a long while. It’s a different perspective on sociopaths that you would normally get in the media, and personally I found it really helpful and fascinating. I love a good villain – but sometimes it’s important that not everything can be split into black and white categories of hero and villain like you’d expect.



  3. House of Leaves, by Mark. Z Danielewski

    A blind old man, a young apprentice working in a tattoo shop, and a mad woman haunting an Ohio institute narrate this story of a family that encounters an endlessly shifting series of hallways in their new home, eventually coming face to face with the awful darkness lying at its heart.

    One of the cleverest creepy books I’ve ever read. You get as much out of it as you put in, so perhaps not a read if you’re just looking for some lighter reading…but absolutely brilliant! It will linger with you long after you read it as you try and decipher the clues to work everything out.


  4. Exquisite Corpse, by Poppy Z Brite

    To serial slayer Andrew Compton, murder is an art, the most intimate art. After feigning his own death to escape from prison, Compton makes his way to the United States with the sole ambition of bringing his “art” to new heights. Tortured by his own perverse desires, and drawn to possess and destroy young boys, Compton inadvertently joins forces with Jay Byrne, a dissolute playboy who has pushed his “art” to limits even Compton hadn’t previously imagined. Together, Compton and Byrne set their sights on an exquisite young Vietnamese-American runaway, Tran, whom they deem to be the perfect victim.Swiftly moving from the grimy streets of London’s Piccadilly Circus to the decadence of the New Orleans French Quarter, and punctuated by rants from radio talk show host Lush Rimbaud, a.k.a. Luke Ransom, Tran’s ex-lover, who is dying of AIDS and who intends to wreak ultimate havoc before leaving this world, Exquisite Corpse unfolds into a labyrinth of murder and love. Ultimately all four characters converge on a singular bloody night after which their lives will be irrevocably changed — or terminated.

    I very much enjoyed this one. Set in New Orleans – always a fantastic place for a serial killer novel – it’s great for the way that, for once, you get two killers actually interacting with each other. Which is good fun and makes a nice change.


  5. The Child Thief,  by Brom

    Peter is quick, daring, and full of mischief—and like all boys, he loves to play, though his games often end in blood. His eyes are sparkling gold, and when he graces you with his smile you are his friend for life, but his promised land is not Neverland. Fourteen-year-old Nick would have been murdered by the drug dealers preying on his family had Peter not saved him. Now the irresistibly charismatic wild boy wants Nick to follow him to a secret place of great adventure, where magic is alive and you never grow old. Even though he is wary of Peter’s crazy talk of faeries and monsters, Nick agrees. After all, New York City is no longer safe for him, and what more could he possibly lose?There is always more to lose.Accompanying Peter to a gray and ravished island that was once a lush, enchanted paradise, Nick finds himself unwittingly recruited for a war that has raged for centuries—one where he must learn to fight or die among the “Devils,” Peter’s savage tribe of lost and stolen children.There, Peter’s dark past is revealed: left to wolves as an infant, despised and hunted, Peter moves restlessly between the worlds of faerie and man. The Child Thief is a leader of bloodthirsty children, a brave friend, and a creature driven to do whatever he must to stop the “Flesh-eaters” and save the last, wild magic in this dying land.

    This is a wonderful dark re-telling of Peter Pan. It’s unique and clever and still full of magic. I really enjoyed it. It’s great if you’re looking for something a little different.


  6. Lunar Park, by Bret Easton Ellis

    Bret Ellis, the narrator of Lunar Park, is a writer whose first novel Less Than Zero catapulted him to international stardom while he was still in college. In the years that followed he found himself adrift in a world of wealth, drugs, and fame, as well as dealing with the unexpected death of his abusive father. After a decade of decadence a chance for salvation arrives; the chance to reconnect with an actress he was once involved with, and their son. But almost immediately his new life is threatened by a freak sequence of events and a bizarre series of murders that all seem to connect to Ellis’s past. His attempts to save his new world from his own demons makes Lunar Park Ellis’s most suspenseful novel.

    I bet you were expecting American Psycho. While a classic read, I personally found it utterly tedious to read – which was probably rather the point. Lunar Park was completely different. I’ve heard it described as the Bret Easton Ellis novel to read if you hate Bret Easton Ellis’ work, which worked for me. It’s a clever mock-autobiographical gothic about a writer haunted by his own work and (you guessed it) American Psycho. It was unusual and, as a writer, I really got a kick out of it.


  7. A Portable Shelter, by Kirsty Logan

    In their tiny, sea-beaten cottage on the north coast of Scotland, Liska and Ruth await the birth of their first child. They spend their time telling stories to the unborn baby, trying to pass on the lessons they’ve learned: tales of circuses and stargazing, selkie fishermen and domestic werewolves, child-eating witches and broken-toothed dragons. But each must keep their storytelling a secret from the other, as they’ve agreed to only ever tell the plain truth. Ruth tells her stories when Liska is at work, to a background of shrieking seabirds; Liska tells hers when Ruth is asleep, with the lighthouse sweeping its steady beam through the window. As their tales build and grow along with their child, Liska and Ruth realise that the truth lives in their stories, and they cannot hide from one another.

     

    A little dark, and a little beautiful. This is a great and fantastical collection of short stories – for those who like a bit of horror, but mixed with love, where hope can win out.


    Honourable mentions of classics you really should read, because these ones really are classic for a reason:

    Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley,
    Rebecca, by Daphne Du Maurier
    Carmilla, by Sheridan Le Fanu

Monster

They watch you shatter and I wonder what they think of me;
Some thing of careless cruelty
Or malicious intent, 
– I broke you either way.  

And yet, they forget
That a glass heart can be cutting too
The chips and cracks make you look so fragile
– You are all sharp edges now.  

They watch you shatter and I wonder what they think of me;
Fingers red sliced gathering shards, 
I will help you piece together again
– Everyone knows that bloodied hands are a sign of guilt.